Scenes JK Rowling Would NEVER Include in Her Books
by n0b0dys-ang31
Summary: I have NO IDEA where this came from... randomness along the lines of scenes that are too insane for Harry Potterville according to Rowling!
1. Sharing is Caring

A/N: This was a really really really weird idea I had when watching The Chamber of Secrets... you know, whenever Ron and Hermione and Harry have a laugh at poor Sevvie's expense. Well, what would happen if Harry told Severus what they were laughing about?  
  
**_Sharing is Caring_**  
  
The Golden Trio trooped into the Potions Classroom in the Dungeons, still giggling at Seamus and Dean's impersonation of Draco leading Pansy around like the little pug faced bitch she was. It was really too much, with Dean holding Seamus with a collar and leash.  
  
"Remember, we have to keep an eye out for Trevor," Hermione hissed. "Neville's lost him again."  
  
"Fifth time this week," Harry grumbled.  
  
"Oh, come on, Harry. Be a sport and help look," Hermione snapped.  
  
"Fine."  
  
They took their seats and pulled out their Potions texts, ready, for once, for class to start. Not a moment too soon, for Snape billowed into the classroom, snapping out his customary greeting. "Books out, wands away. The ingredients are on the board. You are making a strengthening potion. Get them and get moving!" The Potions Master sank into his chair behind his desk and rested his head in his hands, closing his eyes for a few seconds.  
  
Harry rolled his eyes. "Geez, Snape seems ... off today. I wonder what's his problem?" he hissed to Ron.  
  
Ron snickered. "I don't want to know."  
  
They continued whispering, gathering the ingredients. They turned back around, wondering why the class had gone deathly silent. Harry gulped. Professor Snape stood right in front of them, a malicious glare on his face.  
  
"What, may I ask, is so interesting that you must continue to make noise?" he hissed, a wince of pain flashing so quickly over his features that Harry was sure he had imagined it.  
  
"No- nothing, Sir," Ron stammered out. Harry kept his face completely blank, determined not to blurt out anything stupid and get them into even more trouble.  
  
"I see. Twenty point from Gryffindor for talking out of turn. Get to your seats," Snape spat, sneering. Ron and Harry rushed to their seats, dumped the ingredients on the desk and quickly began, not wishing to lose any more points.  
  
"That bloody git!" Ron hissed. "I swear there is something wrong with that man!"  
  
Harry only nodded in agreement.  
  
For thirty minutes, they worked in near silence, the only words whispered back and forth along the lines of 'pass the powdered newt's eyes' or 'dice the root evenly'.  
  
Snape stalked up and down the isles, insulting Gryffindors and even the occasional Slytherin, which was unheard of. After telling Hermione that she should just toss her Potion down the drain and give up, thereby reducing her to sitting at her desk in tears, Ron poked Harry in the side.  
  
"What is with him today? Honestly, the old bat needs to get laid or something," Ron whispered, his face screwed up in a grimace of anyone doing THAT to the greasy Potions Master.  
  
Harry snickered softly and jumped as a shadow fell over his desk. "Uh- oh," he murmured.  
  
"Uh-oh is right, Mr. Potter," Severus snarled. "May I ask what you find so amusing about this assignment?"  
  
Harry opened his mouth, desperately thinking of an excuse, when his mouth started working without his permission. "Actually, Professor yes, there was something."  
  
Snape raised both eyebrows, waiting for him to continue. Ron stared at Harry. "What the bloody hell are you doing?" Ron squeaked.  
  
Harry stared at Ron and his mouth started moving again against his will. "I'm sorry Ron, but this is too good not to share. Professor, Ron wants to know when the last time you got laid was. I hope he isn't offering... Ron, you're disgusting. He's our teacher! But, that might not be as disgusting as asking McGonagall or Dumbledore." Harry managed to clamp a hand over his traitorous mouth and desperately looked around.  
  
Ron dove under his desk, certain all hell was about to break loose. He ducked his head in between his knees, not knowing whether to kill Harry or run like the wind for the exit.  
  
Hermione was mouthing the words Snape, McGonagall and Dumbledore, ticking them off one by one. She brought her fingers together and realized what she had just insinuated... Snape, McGonagall, AND Dumbledore. "AAARGGH!" she screamed, banging her head on the desk repeatedly.  
  
Harry watch as Draco held up his first two fingers and thumb, bringing them together in an approximation of Hermione's previous actions, a completely confused look on his face. Hermione stopped pounding her head against her desk long enough to look up and see Draco clamping his three fingers together. She started screaming again and slamming her forehead into the wooden desk.  
  
Professor Snape just stared at Harry, his mouth agape and a dazed look in his eyes. Seamus and Dean were gagging in the back of the room along with Blaise and Millicent. Pansy, upon seeing Draco playing with his fingers, imitated him. She began singing softly to herself the song "Little Bunny Foo Foo," making her 'rabbit' fingers hop around her desk. Harry listened to her sing a disturbing version of the song. "Little Bunny Foo Foo, hopping like a madman, trampling all the Gryffindorks and bashing out their brains..."  
  
Harry shook his head and stared at Snape. The Greasy Potions Master was still flabbergasted, his mouth open and his eyes wide. He was staring at the seat Ron had previously occupied with faint revulsion. "Umm, Professor?" Harry asked tentatively.  
  
Snape finally was able to focus and he stared at Harry, an incredibly revolted and nauseous look on his face. "Mr. Potter, that quite possibly the most disgusting, horrific thing I have ever heard. Not even the Dark Lord could come up with something so disturbing..." Snape trailed off, looking as if he were about to lose the contents of his stomach. "I need a drink." He stalked over to the front of the room and pulled out an unidentified bottle with a clear liquid, unscrewing the cap. Forgoing a glass, he tipped back the bottle and took a long swig, draining at least a quarter of the bottle. He wiped his mouth and immediately tossed a handful of Floo Powder into the tiny fireplace behind his desk.  
  
Albus Dumbledore's head appeared in the flames. "Can I offer you a Lemon Drop, Severus? How about a cup of tea?" he asked cheerfully.  
  
Snape let out an inarticulate scream of rage and slammed the bottle onto his desk hard enough for the bottom to crack.  
  
"Severus, what is the- are you DRINKING???"  
  
"Go ahead and fire me, Albus," Severus snapped. "Go right ahead because if you don't I'll resign!!!"  
  
"What happened now?" Dumbledore asked, his eyes wide. He took in the screaming Hermione, the traumatized students, Draco's disturbing hand motions and Pansy singing quietly to herself with confusion. "What is going on?"  
  
"Your Golden Boy did it! He's finally driven me to the bottle! Voldemort couldn't do it! You couldn't do it! But, NOOO, Harry Bloody Asshole Potter has finally caused me to crack! Procreating with a Weaseley, a male student Weaseley, no less! The Bloody Fucking Nerve!!!!" Dumbledore stared at the ranting, slightly tipsy Potions Master.  
  
"Severus, return the bottle of Vodka to your desk and come to my office. I'll send someone in to cover your class," Dumbledore ordered.  
  
Snape stalked out of the Classroom, sparing one last revolted, shuddering look at the Gryffindor Trio.  
  
Ron crawled out from under the desk. "Bloody Hell, Harry," he gasped. "You made him go completely mental!"  
  
Harry groaned and began smashing his head on the desk.  
  
Hermione ticked off her fingers, adding Ron. Despairingly, she brought them together and started crying again, completely traumatized by her overactive imagination. Draco stopped playing with his hands long enough to sneer at her. "What the hell, Mudblood. What's wrong now?"  
  
She stared at his hand and ticked off her fingers one by one. "Snape. Dumbledore McGonagall. Ron." Uncomprehendingly, he mimicked her and then, at her encouraging gesture, brought the fingers together. Understanding dawned.  
  
"BLOODY HELL, WOMAN!!!!" Draco screamed, his face turning a sickly shade of green. He turned around and threw up in his cauldron, ruining the potion and causing it to bubble over. "THAT'S SICK!!!!!" He bolted from the room and they could hear his footsteps echoing faintly down the hall. A second later, his cauldron exploded in a flash of light and thick green smoke that smelled like rotting cabbages.  
  
Ron grinned at Hermione. "That was brilliant! What did you do to get him to lose it?"  
  
Hermione burst into noisy sobs, joining Harry in the pursuit of giving herself a concussion. Everyone else deemed it appropriate to leave and quickly ran from the classroom. Only Ron, Harry, Hermione and Pansy remained, the latter still singing quietly to herself and hopping her finger bunny around her desk.  
  
"Come on, tell me!" Ron pleaded.  
  
Hermione only sobbed harder.  
  
"Sharing is caring!"  
  
She raised her head and stared at him, her mouth open in shock.  
  
"Well, if you aren't going to tell me, then let's go!" Ron grumbled, crossing his arms. Dazedly, Hermione and Harry stood up and the Trio walked out of the Potions Classroom and back to their tower for the rest of the period. As they walked out, they never noticed the frog hop in behind them and head straight to Hermione's abandoned cauldron of finished Strengthening Potion.  
  
Five minutes later, one of the Slytherin Seventh Years stumbled into the classroom to find it empty except for an unconscious Pansy and a six foot tall, muscular frog named Trevor. He turned and ran, screaming, from the classroom as Trevor gave chase. He disappeared into the dungeons, the giant Trevor hot on his tail.  
  
.  
  
A/N: I have NO idea where this came from..... (pulls out brain and looks at it) Anyway, just thought a bit of humor would help! This is definitely over... I don't EVER want to go near this again.... Let's see if Annie would touch this one. Maybe she'll want to leave a Beta note or something....  
  
B/N: Like she said, I have absolutely No Idea where that thing came from, and I don't want to find out. All I can say is that I am deeply disappointed that she did not seek professional help when this began, and that I am very angry with her. I used to like the Mr. Foo Foo song!!! Now it's ruined for me! That's just like when she told me that Barney ate the kids on his show! (She said that's why they need new kids all the time.) Anyway, I hope Remus is hungry, yum! 


	2. Tales of the Antichrist

A/N: Well, as you can see, I have renamed this little group of one shots into 'Things JK Rowling would NEVER include in her books!'. I decided to expand this one shot into a series of one shots after having very strange dreams the night after I posted the first scene. It now has a very fitting title, as I don't think she'll ever have Snape drinking in front of his class, or Barney... oops, almost gave that one away! I've decided that this little group will be Harry and Co.'s attempts and success at torturing and reducing Dear Professor Snape and the members of my dear Slytherin House (and yes, I've taken the Sorting Test. I'm a Slytherin!) to tears and helpless gibbering in the most hilarious and impossible way possible! So, my faithful readers, enjoy!  
  
_**Tales of the Antichrist  
**_  
It was yet another boring day at Hogwarts. At least, for the Slytherins, it was. They sat at their table, morosely playing with their food. Harry, Hermione and Ron watched them, their eyes twinkling madly, not unlike a certain Headmaster's. Said Headmaster was staring at the Golden Trio with concern, for reasons the only other member of the staff present, Professor Snape, did not know.  
  
As Draco Malfoy, resident Sex God and Prince of Evil swept into the Great Hall, accompanied by his hulking body guards, Crabbe and Goyle, Ron nodded to Hermione imperceptibly and Harry discretely waved his wand. As Malfoy took his seat, an enormous bang and flash of light filled the center of the Great Hall. Smoke poured in, leaving everyone coughing and gasping for breath.  
  
"Well well well, what do we have here?" A jovial, booming voice was heard ever the hacking of the students and teachers.  
  
"Well, I think these are our newest playmates!" A higher pitched, childish voice answered in a singsong.  
  
"Hello, children," the first voice boomed as the smoke cleared. The students could vaguely make out a large purple shape, a hulking yellow shape, and a slightly smaller green shape next to it. Harry, Ron and Hermione watched, grinning, as the smoke completely cleared.  
  
"It's Barney and Friends!!" A first year Hufflepuff shrieked, hiding her face in her robes. The majority of the first year Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, Gryffindors, and Slytherins looked confused, while several other students, the ones who were Muggleborn, started crying. Blaise Zambini simply looked terrified. She dove under the Slytherin Table, clutching a circular string of beads with a wooden cross dangling off of one end and rocked back and forth, her lips moving.  
  
Harry, Ron and Hermione broke into giggles, scaring the students around them. Barney, Baby Bop, and PJ waddled over to the Gryffindor table and stopped before the Golden Trio. "Young Masters and Mistress, we await your orders." Barney and PJ bowed while Baby Bop curtsied. She wiggled around until Hermione grinned at her. The green dinosaur gave a shriek of joy and skipped around the tables, causing the floors and walls to shake. She at last came to the Slytherin Table and plopped down at the end of it, right next to Draco Malfoy. Malfoy stared at her with a nauseous expression as she immediately reaching for a bowl of chocolate pudding and gulped it down.  
  
"Mmmm! This is good!" she squealed through a mouthful of pudding. She turned and offered the bowl to Draco. "Do you want some?"  
  
"Hell no!" Draco spat, staring at the bowl with revulsion.  
  
Baby Bop's hands flew to her mouth. "I found our first playmate!" she gasped, rubbing her hands together. "This one needs to be taught manners!" She latched an enormous green paw onto Draco's wrist and tugged him to his feet.  
  
"What the hell? Bloody animal! Get your paws off of me! Unhand me!" Draco screeched, his eyes wide. Baby Bop swung him in a circle, and danced with him, kicking and screaming, next to Barney and PJ.  
  
"Bow before the Masters and Mistress," Baby Bop insisted, slamming Draco to the floor. Draco's jaw dropped as he hit the stones. He lay there, flabbergasted.  
  
Harry, Hermione and Ron smirked, slapping each other high fives.  
  
Snape and the Headmaster stared at the dinosaurs with extreme confusion, neither of them having ever seen Barney and Friends before. They looked at each other warily, wondering just what the hell was going on.  
  
"Masters, Mistress, what are your orders? Who are the new children we can play with?" Barney asked, his voice booming all over the silent Great Hall.  
  
"Master?" Snape finally demanded. "Why are they calling you three master???"  
  
A shrill voice could be heard, ranting in the silence. "_Then I saw a beast come out of the sea... The beast I saw was like a leopard but it had feet like a bear's and its mouth was like the mouth of the lion. To it the Dragon gave its own power and throne, along with great authority... Fascinated, the whole world followed after the beast. They worshipped it...Then I saw another beast come out of the earth; it had two horns like a lamb's but spoke like a Dragon. It wielded all the authority of the first beast... and made the earth and its inhabitants worship the first beast..._ That's from Revelations in the Bible! This Beast is the beast foretold! It's the Antichrist!!!" Harry stared at Blaise Zambini, who was screaming, reading straight from Scripture from under the Slytherin Table.  
  
PJ waddled over and grabbed her wrist, dragging her out from under the table. "BACK!!!" Blaise yelled, brandishing a crucifix. Startled, PJ dropped her wrist. "Back, Agent of Satan! I'm a good Catholic! I go to Mass! I went to Confession last week! You can't hurt me!!! You can't hurt me!" Shrugging, PJ grabbed her wrist again and dragged her over to lay next to Draco, who was staring at her in fright.  
  
"Hey, let me see that!" Draco hissed, taking the Bible from her. She gave up the book without a fight. He flipped through the pages. "Huh? EWWW! There's INCEST in here!"  
  
Blaise snatched the book back from him. "Only in Genesis," she muttered.  
  
"Well, no shit that's the Antichrist," Ron sniggered.  
  
Blaise lifted her head. "What?" She stared at him with round eyes.  
  
"Well, he is on loan from our Lord and Master," Harry said with a twisted grin. "Barney! You can take any of the ones wearing green!" he commanded. Barney turned around and stared at the Slytherins with an enormous grin.  
  
"Oh goody!" the jovial dinosaur proclaimed. "We're going to have so much fun!"  
  
"Oh," Hermione said off handedly. "Take Cho Chang as well. The one in blue- no not that one, the one next to her!" she directed as Baby Bop grabbed a terrified Muggleborn fourth year Ravenclaw before grabbing the correct person.  
  
"But- but- I was, like, dating you last year, Harry!" Cho protested as she was dragged from her seat. "Let go of me!"  
  
"And you're, like, a bitch who can't kiss!" Harry shot back, mocking her. She burst into tears as she was thrown to the floor.  
  
PJ dragged whimpering Pansy, Goyle, Nott and Crabbe from their seats.  
  
"What do you mean, your master?" Severus Snape asked slowly, his eyes narrowed and calculating. He gazed back and forth between the three dinosaurs, his terrified Slytherins (and an insulted Ravenclaw) and the three Gryffindors.  
  
"HE MEANS ME, you incompetent mortal!" a booming voice thundered through the Great Hall. Snape and Dumbledore whipped around, trying to find the source of the voice without any luck.  
  
Everyone missed the slightly confused looks the Golden Trio gave each other before jumping to their feet. "Master?" they cried, just about tripping over themselves in glee. "Master, where are you?"  
  
Lightning flashed and struck the space in front of the Gryffindor Table. The entire room glowed, and everyone shut their eyes from the glare. When they were finally able to see again, an enormous man with scarlet skin and black ram's horn growing from his forehead stood with a hand, equipped with wicked looking four inch black claws, on Harry's and Hermione's shoulders, gazing fondly down at the three of them. "My Heirs," he said with pride. "Have you chosen the newest playmates?" Everyone turned their heads and stared at his lower body in shock. He had black shaggy goats legs ending in a cloven hoof, one of which that tapped a staccato rhythm on the stone.  
  
Harry, Hermione and Ron nodded. "They are on the floor."  
  
"Excellent," the enormous person hissed. He briefly looked up at the Head Table and stared at Snape, an evil smirk playing on his lips. "I want him as well."  
  
Snape's eyes widened comically. "Ex- excuse me?" he stuttered.  
  
"You heard me. You're an interesting specimen, Severus Snape. You would make an interesting addition."  
  
"How the- who the hell are you and how do you know my name?"  
  
The gigantic person took a bow. "Oh course. I am Satan and I know everything, hence how I know your name as well as all about that cute little scar on you left arm."  
  
Snape involuntarily clutched his arm. "You!" he hissed at the Golden Trio. "Explain this!"  
  
"Oh, it's simple, Professor Snape," Harry said with a grin.  
  
"I found a tome with a spell in it guaranteed to give the caster and two others unlimited power," Hermione continued.  
  
"So 'Mione, Harry and I cast it and it somehow summoned Satan." Ron finished.  
  
Severus Snape stared at them with a blank expression on his face. "You su- su - summoned SATAN??" he screeched a minute later, as soon as the information had sunk in.  
  
"Well, it's not like we meant to," Harry scowled.  
  
"We just wanted the power to defeat Moldy Voldy," Ron scowled as well.  
  
"And we got it!" Hermione chirped brightly.  
  
Snape's jaw dropped, as did everyone else's in the Hall. "You- you- what??"  
  
"He's going to help us!" Harry grinned.  
  
"At what cost?" Snape wondered aloud.  
  
Ron grinned. "Well, we're the Princes and Princess of Hell now so..." Snape shuddered and accioed a bottle of Firewhiskey, swinging it back and gulping the liquid.  
  
Satan raised a hand and suddenly, Voldemort came crashing through the wall.  
  
"I- I- What the hell?" Voldemort hissed, scowling at the students. "Where- how-"  
  
Satan grinned, causing everyone but the Golden Trio to shudder and, where Voldemort had stood was now a tiny green garden snake. Harry walked over and picked him up. "I like him, can I keep him?" he asked, hissing to the enraged snake.  
  
Satan smirked. "As you wish, my Heir." Harry, Ron and Hermione cheered. The rest of the Great Hall stared, flabbergasted as Hermione happily conjured a terrarium and Harry deposited the Former Dark Lord into the cage. The snake hissed and reared, striking the glass with its stubby, venomless fangs.  
  
"Now, onto the initiation!" Barney chuckled. Satan laughed, a chilling sound, and Professor Snape found himself floating in the middle of the room, slowly spinning in a circle.  
  
"Hey, Potter, you owe me ten galleons!" Ron yelled. "He DOES wear clothing under those robes!" Harry grinned as he handed over the bag of money.  
  
"FIFTY POINTS FROM GRYYFINDOR!!!!!" Snape screamed, his face turning beet red from anger and embarrassment. "SOMEONE GET ME DOWN!!!!"  
  
Barney, PJ and Baby Bop clapped their paws together. Five of the six chosen students looked down and screamed. Blaise started sobbing immediately, because she had been turned into Raggedy Ann, complete with bright red yarn hair in pigtails, makeup, white bloomers and the blue and white checked dress. Pansy started wailing and shrieking at the top of her lungs, because she had been turned into a porcelain doll, complete with a pretty pink party dress, white patent leather shoes, a matching purse and a small strand of pearls. Goyle and Crabbe, both with drawn on freckles, were in, respectively, purple and blue footie pajamas with the butt flaps and held pacifiers and security blankets. They stared at each other for a minute before screaming bloody murder. Cho stared down at herself and promptly passed out from shock. Her hair was now fire engine red and in two braids that stuck out at odd angles, striped stockings, and a bright green pinafore.  
  
Draco stared down at himself. "I don't know why they're screaming," he said to no one in particular. "I like it." He was wearing tight black leather pants and a silver shirt, reminiscent of Nick from Backstreet Boys. His hair was ungelled and framing his face. Baby Bop squealed and rushed forward, hugging the smirking blond.  
  
"You're perfect!!" she squealed.  
  
Draco's smirk grew wider. "I know." His smile disappeared. "Now let go of me."  
  
"I love children!" Barney gushed. "They're so nice and tasty!" Each of the dinosaurs grabbed a hand of two of the children and dragged them from the Hall.  
  
Satan smirked up at Snape. "Now, Severus," he purred. "You have a choice. I can give you everything of your wildest dreams and make you a Prince of my Realm, or I can drag you off kicking and screaming as my unwilling slave. What do you say?"  
  
"You're getting my soul either way," Snape muttered. "All right, let me down. I'll go willingly." He clenched his eyes shut as he was lowered to the ground. He ground his teeth together and clasped hands with the King of Hell.  
  
"Excellent!" Satan threw an arm around Snape's shoulders and led him from the Hall. "Now, I had some ideas about some potions..." The doors slammed shut behind them.  
  
Harry, Hermione and Ron shrugged and looked at each other. "Well, that went well," Harry said before digging back into his lunch. Hermione and Ron dug in as well. They were the only ones eating. Everyone else just stared at them incredulously.  
  
  
  
Barney, Baby Bop and PJ quietly left the Room of Requirement, five of the six students they had 'kidnapped' taking naps with assorted toys. Draco sat in the far corner, playing with a stuffed crocodile, making it eat a stuffed bunny with very disturbing noises. Barney sighed. "Hey, Fred, what do you think?"  
  
Baby Bop pulled off her head, revealing Fred Weaseley. "I dunno, George. How long can we keep this up? And who the hell was Satan? I don't remember Harry telling us about his grand appearance."  
  
Barney pulled off his head and George stepped out of the costume. "I have no idea, but, whoever it was, he rocked!"  
  
PJ stretched. "I'm beat. I'm gonna go take a nap too. Being the Antichrist is hard work!"  
  
"Ok Lee. Go watch the kiddies," George grinned evilly.  
  
"I can't believe they actually thought we'd eat them!" Lee waved and walked back into the room.  
  
Harry walked up next to Fred. "Hey, did one of you cast a person as Satan?" he asked, scratching his head.  
  
"Nope," George said slowly. "That wasn't your doing?"  
  
"No..." Harry trailed off. "You know, the three of us did actually complete that power spell," he said slowly. "Do you think he really was..."  
  
Fred's eyes widened. "Oh shit."  
  
Harry shuddered. "We didn't plan Voldemort either... Do you think my snake is really him?"  
  
Fred and George's mouths dropped open. "Oh... shit," they said again.  
  
  
  
Remus walked out of Hogwart's gates and into the Apparation zone, a pair of black ram's horns slung over his shoulder and a smear of red paint on one cheek, chuckling evilly. LONG LIVE THE MARAUDERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
A/N: Well............ what did you think? Definitely a foray into insanity. Like before, I'm not sure where this came from. Maybe the aliens are putting ideas into my head at night. And, even tho the BSB sucks, in my opinion, Nick Carter was good looking (and looked like Draco!)  
  
B/N: Yay!!! Me likey! Me likey Mikey! I don't know who Mikey is yet, but if he is anything like this story, then I'm sure he has nothing to worry about! Just so you guys know, the Draco as Nick thingy does not mean that my sister or I are in to the Back Street Boys. We don't even acknowledge their existence, but for the fact that I thought it would be funny to include them in this thingy. Anywho, yeah, it's all good. And gotta love Remy, no? And mega Brownie points to Gred&Forge, and of course, Lee Jordan. Hope you peoples liked it! Tootles! 


	3. Rocky Horror Hogwarts Show

A/N: I got this idea while watching Rocky Horror Picture Show. In order for you to understand this, you really have to watch Rocky Horror Picture Show. Don't kill me, please. Poor, poor, Professor Snape.

**_Rocky Horror Hogwarts Show_**

Professor Snape furiously stalked into Potions, his robes billowing gracefully behind him. Last night, in his opinion, had been a complete disaster. Albus Dumbledore, in his infinite wisdom, had called for a movie night for all seven years as well as the faculty. No exceptions. And, of course, Sybil just HAD to suggest Rocky Horror Picture Show; Severus's all time favorite movie. _Let's do the Time Warp Again..._ He shook his head slightly. That damn song just wouldn't go away! It was so catchy! And, because he was the Greasy Git of Hogwarts, the resident evil teacher, he couldn't even throw one solitary piece of toast or light his special magical lighter! It was so unfair! Albus at least had the common sense to set the fourth years and younger up with Shrek. He could just imagine the irate parents screaming and beating down Hogwart's doors, demanding the Headmaster's resignation... that would be the day. Since he couldn't throw his toast or play with the squirt guns, or, heaven forbid, show up in costume, he had to watch the movie again in his quarters, well three more times, acting out every scene in his costume- a black cape, silver corset, black satin panties and fishnets. He was Dr. Frank N. Furter, right down to the silver five inch high heel shoes.

He sneered at the Gryffindors, while inwardly bemoaning his fate. _Gryffindors, first thing in the morning! This is insane! And last night, THEY got to throw bread and dance and sing along, while I just had to sit there. Where did they learn the lines, anyway?! _He nodded to his Slytherins, who had the decency to not fill the air with meaningless chatter, as his head felt like it was about to explode. _It's just a jump to the left, and then a step to the ri-i-i-i-ight... STOP!!!_ He massaged his temples wearily.

"The assignment is on the board," he said, his silky voice, his best feature, he might add, resonating around the classroom. "The ingredients are in the store room, except for the Hag's hair. For that, you must see me at the appropriate time in your brewing." Everyone stared back at him dumbly. "Well? What are you waiting for- the Second Coming? Get to it!" _Honestly, these brats are incompetent. Every single one of them, with the exception of Granger. No, she's a competent know- it- all, which is even worse. I swear, if Lucius hadn't seen me in my Furter costume, I could fail his son like he deserves._

"It's astounding. Time is fleeting. Madness takes its toll," A voice jerked Snape from his musings. He turned around and saw Seamus standing on his chair.

"Mr. Finnegan!" he barked savagely. "Get down!" Seamus jumped onto the floor lightly and Snape settled down into his chair.

"But listen closely," Seamus continued, undeterred.

"Not for very much longer," Hermione drawled.

"I've got to keep control," Seamus chanted back. Suddenly, he jumped onto the table. "I remember, doing the Time Warp, drinking, those moments when, the blackness hit me," he sang at the top of his lungs.

Hermione chimed in and they sang together, "And the voice would be calling, let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp Again!"

Harry, Dean, Ron, Lavender and Padma started singing and dancing, along with Seamus and Hermione. "It's just a jump to the left," they jumped, "And then a step to the ri-i-i-i-i-ight. Put your hands on your hips, and pull your knees in ti-i-i-i-ght. It's just a pelvic thrust that makes you go insa-a-a-a-ane. Let's do the Time Warp Again!"

The Slytherin students watched them incredulously, their potions ingredients already set up. "What the- Professor Snape, do something!" Pansy complained.

"They're ruining my concentration!" Draco snapped.

Professor Snape watched them, his jaw brushing the floor. "Students- Gryffindors- oh hell, I give up," he grumbled, secretly enjoying the singing. His foot started tapping in time to the music that Harry had produced with a wave of his wand.

"It's so dreamy," Hermione drawled, in her best Magenta Voice. "Oh fantasy, free me! So you can't see me, no, not at all. In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention, well secluded, I see all."

"With a bit of a mind flip," Seamus drawled.

"You're into a time slip!" Hermione yelled.

"And nothing can ever be the same," Seamus yelled back.

"It's the start of sensation."

"Like you're under sedation!" Seamus screamed.

"Let's do the Time Warp again!" Hermione and Seamus sang at the top of their lungs. "Let's do the Time Warp again!"

Ron started singing in a whiny falsetto. "Well, I was walking down the street, just having a thing when a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink. He shook me up and took me by surprise. He had a pickup truck and the devil's eyes. He stared at me and I vowed to change. Time ain't nuthin when you're-"

"MR. WEASELEY!!!" Severus roared.

Ron jumped and stared at the fuming Potions Master. "Yes, Professor Snape?" he asked in a trembling voice.

Professor Snape loomed over him. "If you're going to sing and enact the best movie on the planet," _Oh, the gates of Hell are opening and welcoming me, _"then do so in the correct costumes. You are Columbia, correct?" _I am going to so be fired..._

Ron's jaw dropped, as did everyone else's. "Yes, sir," he stuttered.

"And, you," he rounded on Hermione and Seamus, "are Magenta and Riff Raff, correct?" They nodded dumbly. "Who is Furter? Janet? Brad Major?" Harry, Lavender and Neville raised their hands. "Excellent. Now get into the appropriate getup for your characters. And if ANYONE breathes a word about this I will test experimental poisons on you!"

The Gryffindors let out a cheer while the Slytherins just sat there, stunned. "Pro- professor?" Draco stuttered. "What is going on?"

"Oh, for once in your life, do shut up," Snape snapped. He whirled back to the Gryffindors. "Now, back to costumes."

Harry grinned and dropped his robes. Draco yelped and covered his eyes at the black corset with red and blue stitching, black satin panties, fishnets, and silver stiletto high heals. Harry crossed his arms smugly as Pansy's, Blaise's and the rest of the Slytherin's jaws dropped as they stared at the cross dressing Boy Who Lived.

"Damn..." Pansy muttered. "He looks better in that than I do... and I have the right equipment." Blaise gulped and nodded, her eyes raking over the figure in front of her.

Draco peered between his fingers and groaned. "Would you put some bloody clothes on??" he snapped, covering his eyes again.

Hermione, Ron, Seamus, Neville and Lavender, in quick succession, dropped their robes as well. Hermione was wearing a short, dark dress with white cuffs and collar. She quickly produced a brush and frizzed up her hair. Ron wore a bright pink and silver corset, black tap shorts and tap shoes. His hair had changed from its customary fire engine red to hot pink. Seamus had a Victorian style black jacket and pants, and one of his shoulders appeared to be deformed. His hair grew seven inches and turned blond. Neville was impressive in a dark blue suit, and Lavender looked very pretty in a pale purple dress and a wide brimmed white straw hat.

"Very good," Professor Snape drawled, looking over them with a critical eye. "Do you know your lines?"

Harry snickered. "I have the video, in wide screen. We've watched this movie almost 40 times- in the last month."

Professor Snape's eyes widened. "You were able to get the movie to work in Hogwarts? That's advanced magic!"

Hermione blushed. "Thank you," she murmured.

Snape's eyebrows rose. "I'll deny it and hunt you down, Miss Granger if you tell anyone, but good job. Twenty points to Gryffindor for excellent spell casting."

"All right, let's start," Hermione said briskly. "Professor, what role do you want?" she asked politely.

Snape grinned. "Since I'm already your professor, I'll be the Professor! And the rest of you," he said, staring at the Slytherins, "can be the extra people."

The Slytherins groaned collectively. Draco thumped his head on the desk, muttering about writing a letter to his father.

"You'll do no such thing, Mr. Malfoy," Snape growled. "I'll flunk you!"

Draco's jaw dropped. "You- you wouldn't," he stuttered, his face paling considerably.

Snape's eyes narrowed. "Don't push me, Malfoy. I've put up with your father long enough. I won't be pushed by a little tyke as well."

Draco pouted. "You're my Godfather. Why are you being so mean?"

"I don't know, why are you being a God awful little brat?" Snape countered bitingly.

Draco clammed up and crossed his arms.

They ran through the first half hour of the show without a hitch, until Harry 'Dr. Furter', made his grand appearance.

"No, no, Potter," Snape snapped, throwing up his hands. "You need more pelvic thrusts!" He threw his hands up in exasperation. "Here, let me show you!" He led Harry in a rousing rendition to "Sweet Transvestite," complete with erotic and explicit dance moves.

Draco's jaw dropped. "That's insane!" he protested, quite loudly. He was the ONLY one left protesting among the students. Everyone else was still doing the Time Warp over and over and over across the back of the room.

Harry, under Snape's instruction, entered as Dr. Frank N. Furter, wrapped in a black cape with a silver lining. Once he had moved the movie to the point in Furter's lab, Harry stopped. "We don't have a Rocky," he muttered.

Snape raised an eyebrow. "And why is that? Surely one of you has cast him? Dean, perhaps?"

"No, Sir," Dean said calmly. "I'm Eddie."

"Oh." Professor Snape sighed. "Well, you know the requirements."

"Yes, Sir. Blond, stacked, and rocks for brains," Hermione drawled. She and Harry brightened and turned, staring at Draco with calculating expressions.

"Professor," they said in a sing song. "We found the prefect Rocky." They advanced on the unaware Draco.

Professor Snape stared at his Godson with a smirk. _Rocks for brains, indeed. _"If he agrees to it."

Harry leaned over to Hermione. "Would it be unethical to put him under the Imperious?"

Snape choked slightly. Draco stared at the advancing Gryffindors with disdain. "I am not partaking in this insanity," he snarled.

Harry waved his wand before putting it back in his corset. "Yes you are."

Draco stood up and snarled. "No I'm not!"

Hermione stared at Draco with wide eyes. "You're right, Harry, he is a perfect Rocky."

Draco looked down at himself and screamed before passing out. Where his school robes had been was now only a gold bikini bottom and gold calf high boots. Harry simply picked Draco up and dumped him on top of a desk. "That can be the tank. Places everyone?"

Everyone took their places and Snape called "Action!"

They continued, with the unconscious Draco playing Rocky. At least, he remained unconscious until Harry started yelling about Rocky and pulling on his arm. He shot up and stared around wildly.

"What the hell is going on? Where am I???" Draco screamed. He finally stared down at himself and started screaming incoherently. He shot to his feet and sprinted out the door.

Harry chased after him, still in character. "ROCKY!!!! COME BACK!!!!!" he screamed, chasing Draco through the dungeons. "ROCKY!!! Oh, hell, MALFOY, GET YOUR GOLDEN CLAD ASS BACK HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"YOU CAN'T MAKE ME, YOU BLOODY PERVERT!!!!!!!!!!!" Draco screamed back, his voice echoing faintly throughout the hallways.

Professor Snape and the rest of the Potions class crowded in the doorway, watching with glee as the golden bikini clad Draco was chased through the hallways by the corset clad Harry.

"Ten galleons says he catches him," Seamus bet Pansy.

"You're on!" Pansy smirked. "GO DRACO!!! RUN!! RUN!!!"

"GO HARRY!!! GET THAT SLIMY BUGGER!!!" Ron and Seamus cheered.

Professor Snape smirked at his students. "All bets have to go through me," he announced. "Ten galleons to start. Do I hear twenty?"

The Slytherins quickly pulled out their coin purses and placed their bets, the Gryffindors doing the same.

Twenty minutes later, an exhausted Draco stumbled into the classroom. "Hide me," he begged his housemates. "Please!" Harry staggered through the doorway and Draco dove into the enormous cauldron behind Snape's desk, only to shoot out of it just as quickly, his costume dripping wet and sagging precariously off his hips.

"OOH, we're up to the pool scene?" Harry squealed, diving into the cauldron himself. He hopped back out and advanced on the terrified Draco, his corset unlacing and sagging down around his waist. Draco blinked in surprise.

"Potter, what happened to you?" he asked warily. "Why do you have... um...wow.... Professor, what was in that cauldron?"

Harry shrugged. "What do you mean?" His voice was higher than normal, and for some reason, his chest felt heavier... he looked down. "OH MY GOD!!!!!!!" 'she' screamed. 'She' dove, she tackled, and they landed on the floor! They rolled around, wrestling. Hermione, her eyes wide, accioed Colin Creevey's camera and started taking pictures. Pansy wrestled with her for the camera, determined to take some pictures of her own.

"MINE!!! BITCH!!!" Hermione shrieked, clawing at Pansy.

"WHORE!!!" Pansy shrieked, raking her nails across Hermione's face.

They both missed Harry's corset and panties falling off, joined by Draco's golden bikini bottom.

"Ummm, whoops," Harry muttered, 'her' face purple. Hastily, 'she' yanked 'her' scanty clothing back up, avoiding looking at Draco, who was openly staring at 'her'.

"Right," Draco drawled, leisurely pulling his bikini back up. "That merits some consideration. You make a hot girl." He lunged forward and grabbed Harry's shoulders, pressing their lips together firmly.

Professor Snape's eyes widened and his eyebrows disappeared into his hairline. "Well, that was unexpected," he said to no one in particular. Hermione and Pansy stopped fighting over the camera long enough to see Draco pinning Harry to the floor, snogging 'her' senseless. They scrambled and started taking pictures again. Hermione conjured popcorn and passed it around.

At last, Harry managed to get out from under 'her' nemesis. "Ummm, Malfoy, what the hell are you trying to do?" 'she' squeaked in alarm.

Draco's eyes grew predatory. "Why, you, of course." Harry meeped and skidded across the floor. Professor Snape fell over, laughing, followed by the majority of the students in the room.

"Um, Malfoy, can we talk this over? I ummm... HELP!!!!!" 'she' shrieked, sprinting for the exit.

Draco quickly got to his feet and followed. "POTTER, GET YOUR BLACK SATIN CLAD ASS BACK HERE!!!!!!!"

"YOU CAN'T MAKE ME, YOU BLOODY PERVERT!!!!!!" Harry shrieked, 'her' voice growing fainter by the second.

"DON'T MAKE ME GET MY WHIPS AND CHAINS, YOU COCK TEASE!!!!!"

Professor Snape straightened up. "Bets anyone?" Everyone reached for their purses.

A/N: So ends Professor Snape's obsession with the Rocky Horror Picture show. I hope you liked.

B/N: If you haven't seen the movie, you probably won't get it, but believe me, this is as good as it gets!!!!! And, by the way, that is meant as a compliment... (if Laura doesn't take it that way I just might be out of a job...)

Laura stops advancing on Annie with the frying pan.

A/n: That is so sweet! Runs over and gives her beta sister a huge hug, accidentally hitting her with the frying pan in the process OHMYGOD!!! ANNIE! Are you ok?? I didn't mean to!!!

B/N: Note to all people out there: when glomping other people, never carry large, heavy objects!!! Now that the note is over, I am going to go get a cold pack, some headache pills, and hopefully a bottle of vodka!

A/N: Never mix pain pills with alcohol... you could die!

B/N: Sweet oblivion! Why do you evade me so?!

A/N: Annie, we will get you help. I hope...


End file.
